I've decided that having children will cause your heart to shatter into a million pieces over and over again....
this happened to me yesterday...
little pieces of my heart scattered all over the gym floor as I dropped my girls off at school!
It didn't take much for it to happen....
because it really started 2 weeks ago on a Friday night to be exact, all from an email I received from my oldest daughter's literature teacher.
The email was informing me that my daughter wrote a speech. She presented it to her class and it has been selected with 3 other candidates to be part of a speech competition with other local schools.
The winner and an alterenate will be announced on Monday....
you see I had no idea my daughter even wrote a speech!
I immediately ran to find her....
asking her a ton of questions.....
what was the speech on?
how long did it have to be?
why didn't you tell me?
Were you nerves?
tell me all the details....
she looked at me and said, "Oh mom, don't make such a big deal about it! it was just an inspirational speech and I only choose that topic so this very thing would not happen?"
I was so confused...
what thing happen?
possibly being a candidate for the speech contest....
I "hate" talking in front of an audience...
I knew right then and there to drop it and wait to see who was going to be picked....
I was just so darn proud of her!
My daughter was selected as the alternate.
Which brings me to back to my shattered heart and yesterday...
I saw her math teacher in the school gym and we are friends outside of school...
and she bought up my daughter's speech telling me she should have been the one selected for the competition.
I told her I have yet to see a copy of her speech.
Her jaw hit the floor, she took a step back and said, "are you serious, you didn't help her?"
Nope, my cheeks began to feel warm because I then confessed that I didn't even know anything about the speech till I received the email and that she still wont tell me anything about it.
There I was in the gym with all the students rolling in for their school day to begin and this teacher, a friend, told me what it was about....
your inner voice... listening to your inner voice when making decisions, challenging times, right from wrong...
My daughter wrote a speech about your inner voice! {she's 13!}
yes!!!! she replied....
My heart shattered because I was so proud of my daughter and her topic.....
but a big part of it shattered because she didn't want to share it with me....
I want my children to be strong individuals, and by her picking her topic on her own without seeking advice I think she is on her way to being just that... her own person with her own words done her way.....
everything I want her to be....
it's just that i only know one way to love....
with my whole heart and it's because of this is why it will shattered over and over again.
I love sharing.... it's who I am.... I'm just not sure it's who my daughter is....
My daughter has wings! Will my heart ever be ready....
{image from Angel at photobucket}
49 comments:
Oh LuLu...this post got me so emotional. How amazing for your daughter and I totally understand how you are feeling, too. I have become more and more aware just how independent my boys are getting everyday. My youngest started putting his shoes on all my himself this week without asking me to help him and I know that, that is on a much smaller scale but it still made me see that he is not asking me to help anymore. And my older boys sometimes have great little things happen and share with each other, but not me and I am like you, I share everything. My babies are growing up and it's hard for me.
Beautiful post!
xo,
Adrienne
Beautiful post.
I have 5 children- the youngest I call Little Lou Lou who is 12. Yes, each one of them has shattered my heart but they mend it right back as I see them growing up to be such beautiful souls.
I love your blog!
I am bawling!!! I know what you mean and it is heartbreaking. I am also home and sick today...so emotionally maybe I am not stable:-) When you said that you only know one way to love...isn't that the truth. Thanks for the good cry.
i fear i'm heading into that with my little ones.
have you heard of the 5 love languages books by Gary Chapman by chance? i have been learning so much about how to speak different love languages. they are such a great books! one of my great friends has older children and she tears up every time she talks about this book - it makes her so sad to think about how she would have shown her love to her children without knowing their love language and how incomplete her feelings would have come across to them. she said it has helped bloom their relationships greatly. very interesting. anyway, your daughter just sounds amazing!
beautiful post!
amelia, thank you for telling me about the book, i've heard about the book and now i know i must get it! thank you,
xo,
LuLu
Pride! Your heart must be full of Pride. Isn't it funny the things we think are huge and important and to a teen, just another day, no big deal. Obviously she has a very caring and devoted mom and dad and that is showing through with her speech and the way she chose to handle it. I'm so thrilled for you and your Sweet daughter. Such a Beautiful story, Jamie
I'm seriously in tears right now... you seem to be a mother with a huge heart just full of love.. the motherly love. Of course you're proud of her.. it's a big accomplishment.. but independance is a tricky thing for a mom to go through and encourage all while wanting to just wrap your arms around them and keep them little forever... XOXO
wow...that's big stuff.
Such a wonderful post Lulu, i could pitcure you in the gym when your freind told you this...i think you are doing an amazing job with your daughter and this is the proof! XO
What a moving post! Congratulations to you daughter, but even more so to you. Those are the moments that you know you did good!
You must've felt so proud of her. My 8 yr old is already spreading her wings. It's not even comparable but yesterday she didn't bother to tell me about the rocket launch and all of the other mom's were there. (at least I feel like ALL of the other moms showed up) She said don't worry mom. You can come next year. It was baffling! You mean she didn't need me there anymore?? And she's only 8! I'm so glad you got the email so that you could tell her how proud of her you are about this special speech!
wow.
wonderful.
she is who she is. and thats a good thing.
a very proud mom you must be.
someday i would love for you to share the speech with us. upon her approval of course.
xo
have i told you before? i think your blog, your writings are GREAT!
Oh my -- I sure your heart was bursting with pride! What a sweet girl and listening to her inner voice -- you and Hubs are doing a fabulous job!
Janet
You know Lulu, I always think that babies are adorable but older kids are priceless...even teenagers! I just enjoy my kids minds, creativity, though process so much!...even if I don't agree with their opinions many times. To listen about their religion, politics or human rights points of view is fascinating to me as it is to get to know them more and more every day. I know you will enjoy this process with each one of your kids, just keep an open mind and trust them...all your Husband's and your own work WILL pay off!!!
Marcela
No. The answer is no...your heart will never be ready! I am in my late 50s and I still haven't accepted it! My kids use to say I was "the coolest mom around". Now, I sense that I am the one left on the outside of the inner circle. Get ready...it is tough!
Good evening LuLu,
What a beautiful reason to have your heart shatter into a million pieces. I am not in any way, shape, or form saying that it is something to look forward to, but it certainly is wonderful!
It sounds like your daughter is in fact turning out to be exactly what every mother wants their child to be, strong, smart, insightful, and caring.
I did cry a tear for you though. ;)
Congrats to that girl!! It sounds like she's on the right track.
XO*Tricia
oh lulu! what a wonderful daughter you have! you are an awesome mom! i totally understand your heartbreak! i am dreading the day when my children wont share everything with me! i know there will come a time! i remember myself when i was young! i guess its just one of those stages we all go through! please dont take it to heart, its just that age! and please remind me of this same thing in a few years when i will be going through it! xo
Yeah for you ~ you have created an amazing individual through your loving lessons, and daily examples!
In a quiet way {since she doesn't seem to want outward attention} let her know how very proud of her you are.
I love parenting moments like this!
Jo
The answer is NO - we will NEVER be "ready" but we can cry to eachother about it over our morning coffee! ;)
By the way, great job and raising such a strong, independant and bright young lady!
I can't imagine how you feel. I once was picked to speak and share my testimony in front of a pretty large group of people. I was very nervous but went ahead anyway. My mom decided to show up and surprise me by coming to watch. I freaked out and got nervous and asked her to leave. That was years ago and to this day I still feel bad for not having her stay. She decided to come and show her support and I was scared. I was scared to be vulnerable in front of my mom and share my deepest thoughts. It's funny how I had no problem sharing with 70 strangers but was too scared to share with my mom. I think it is because she and her opinion means more to me than others. I was afraid to disappoint her knowing that what she thinks means more to me then any of the other people listening that night.
I think it is amazing that your daughter wrote a speech like that. One day she will share. It took me years to realize that I should have shared that moment with my mom.
Blessings,
Nora
our hearts will never be ready.
and hmmm...inner voice...listening...sounds like a certain someone I know....
those wings didn't grow on their own, you know...
their feathers have your fingerprints all over them.
Like so many of the women who've commented, I also am a "sharer" of my heart. You won't be with me more than a few hours without knowing pretty much all there is to know about me.
When I talk, I share deeply from my heart without thinking twice.
My daughter -- not so much. And it IS hard. Like you, I don't understand why she doesn't flow as freely as I do. After all, in EVERY OTHER WAY we are like clones. So why on the deepest, most important level are we different?
And if you're not careful, you can get your feelings hurt about it. Thinking "Why won't she tell me about this? What's she hiding?" When really, it is just who they are....
If I ask, she tells -- but otherwise she abides like the military "Don't ask, Don't Tell." :)
I'm still learning to take it in stride -- and it helps to know that I'm not the only one she is like this with -- she doesn't open up to even other girl friends, so I guess I'm in good company? :)
Your post is just precious and amazing and heartfelt, and makes me wish I could give you a big squeeze.
You can be SOOOOO proud of that young lady -- her quiet strength is going to serve her well. It is a strength of hers -- I guess we just need to see it as such - which is hard when you're like we are, because we see openness as a strength.
Oh, it's all good -- and you two can be best-buds even while acknowledging each other's differences (strengths). ;)
Love & Hugs,
Ruth
wow! Her inner voice? Sounds like she must be your daughter..you must be so proud! Well done!
I tried to put myself in your shoes. Imagining my dreams coming true for my son..
that he be successful and independent and strong and proud and ....
What will I feel like when I'm not who he wants to share it with and yet it's exactly what I want for him?
Oh my...
you are such a wonderful mom!! your daughter is a product of your hope!
13...
wow...
i'm in awe
How wonderful for your daughter!
I know what you mean about communication with kids-my son is eight, and I ask so many questions! So far, he puts up with me, but sometimes I see it in his eyes that he is so done...
Oh my ...what a special daughter and a special mother! I know what it is like to have a 13 year old...they don't want all the attention...mine is a dancer and has trouble with her family watching her at competition times...we make her too nervous she tell us..so we just encourage her the best we can!
How wonderful for your daughter! It is hard to let them go. My oldest 2 are teenagers and I feel like I am always trying to find out how they feel, what they are experiencing every day. I find that they want that freedom to fly but still come back to the nest to be fed and comforted.
How amazing that she wrote a speech like that at her age. And how excited and proud you must be!
XOXO
Jen
Your daughter sounds like a wonderful girl. Teenagers are such complicated creatures. You every reason to be proud of yours.
That is wonderful!!! You may not have helped her form sentences or spell words but your years of training and raising is behind that paper~
sandy toe
Oh - this makes me want to cry a little. Your daughter sounds so wonderful lulu...you are a huge part of that!!
That is the sweetest thing ever. I would have felt the same way...so proud, but yet out of the loop. You must be a wonderful mother to raise one like that:)
First time visitor and glad I found you! I know what you mean that your heart shatters at events like this. My son is going to preschool and I knew as I dropped him off it was just one of many events that would shatter me. Thanks for sharing your experience and I love the photo you pared with this. Have a great day!
So, so meaningful...
Just read the post on the shoes... love it too.
~Teri
Amazing. What a wonderful thing to find out about your daughter...what a great topic she chose. You have obviously taught her well. I wouldn't take it personally that she didn't tell you. She IS 13 after all. ;-)
what a wonderful young woman you have on your hands and in your heart.
it's so hard to watch children grow up and make decisions on their own. this is just a reminder of how fast life moves. you are such a sweet mother. she's lucky to have you.
ps. i too love with my whole heart. i don't know how else to do it.
xoxo
Oh Lord, you are never, and I mean never, ready for them to fly....my son is 21, for pete's sake....I still want to know all about him...and he is sweet enough to indulge me occasionally...this is where the patience part of parenting comes in...smiles.
yep I get this totally. My daughter is a very introverted person, whereas I am a extroverted heart on my sleeve, always like to talk about everything I am feeling and thinking person. We don't connect all that often because she and I are so very different, and she's only SIX. I am constantly thinking about what it will be like when she is a teenager.
Blessings,
Sasha
how wonderful and hard all in one really!
and wow... what a beautiful... strong girl she is! already hearing her inner voice... spreading those wings... such a GOOD thing.
and remember... you helped build those beautiful wings of hers!
This is so bittersweet. I am certain you are so proud with joy for her, but goodness I can only imagine the other side that she is created from you but growing these wings to soar. I am not a Mom, but see my friends going through this letting go deal and I say I want to boycott it for all you precious Mommies out there. I am certain there is a big part of your daughter that is so very glad you care. You are awesome, know this! Sending you smiles for a great and smile-filled weekend.
xo
How wonderful for your daughter...you must be so proud. The fact that she chose that subject, makes me think she's more like you than she knows. Sounds like your doing an amazing job!
Pumpkin chandlier is done come by to see!
I can totally relate, Lulu. My almost 13 year old son is a lot like your daughter. It's hard to not know very much what's going on, but somehow our values and messages are getting through... and I guess that's the most important thing of all.
What a beautiful post, your daughter is amazing, thank you for sharing. Thank you also for stopping by my blog. It is always nice to meet new blog friends.
Michelle
Well first off, congrats to your daughter! She's just at that age, where consulting with mom isn't always going to be top of her list. Sad, yes, but she is showing her independence, and that's a good thing. As moms, we just want them to stay those little kids sometimes..the ones that think mom is everything that one ever needs...
:) T
Oh LU LU you have to get that from the teacher. Save it and don't even tell her you have it but it would be precious to use and make into a card for her for her wedding day ... about listening to your inner voice and knowing when he is the one.
Cheri
come over for my give-a-way
This is the part where motherhood gets hard...you have to remember that you need to be the adult and the mother...when what you want so desperately to be is the kid and the friend...but my own two children are now 23 and 25, and my daughter calls me first when she has difficult choices to make...but when she was thirteen, it was "let me figure it out on my own"...trust your parenting...your voice is there in their head guiding them...just right now they need space to grow into adults...they know their boundaries...they will not disappoint...our opinion still matters the most!
LuLu, your daughter's dancing.. We all hope our girls one day.. here the music, and dance. She's hearing her "inner music" and learning a few new steps. Bless your heart for loving her so much, you let her dance on her own for a little while. I'm sure at some point she would have told you. She probably was afraid she would "trip", and disappoint. As a mom, our hearts shatter over and over, but its our constant love that heals, and makes us whole again. Well until the next time. :)
that is just so wonderful!!
i know its bittersweet & i can truly relate , but yet the pride you feel for her & how she is starting to develop ( not fly away yet) but simply begin that stage. preparing them to be successful without us is such a vital aspect of our parenting.
she must be an incredible girl already
xo
I know what you mean and it is heartbreaking. I am also home and sick today...so emotionally maybe I am not stable:-) When you said that you only know one way to love...isn't that the truth. Thanks for the good cry.
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